why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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