There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
my shit smells like andre
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
