I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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