you traded sex for a burrito?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
