How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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