Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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