I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
