He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
