she was so not down for the gang bang
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my phone needs a breathalizer
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
