She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize