i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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