i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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