are you still at the devil's house?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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