I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
