you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
