I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize