I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
