I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just tell him i said nine months
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You're earring is so big in my mouth
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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