Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
