Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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