Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
