I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
