And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
