phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
