She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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