i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
