so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
