you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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