I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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