The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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