Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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