dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
