Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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