I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
