I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
