drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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