He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
