my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
