why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
