Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
