You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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