I just made out with a guy for $7.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
