There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
