I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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