based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
