Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
