tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
