i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
