i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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