Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I think my moral compass just broke
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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