You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
