I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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