party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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