I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
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