My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
