My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
