What a fucking waste of an outfit
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
